Thread

I'm worried to check the thread I started. I wanted to check it yesterday, but I found excuses not to. I spent the day drawing and watching documentaries (mostly about mummies). I also made a really good dinner. I will check my thread NOW.

I got one reply:

"Good luck with trying to find anything positive about having Social phobia. "


I felt a little hurt to read that-- especially because it was the only one. I feel like taking my thread down. I think I will take it down. Here is what I wrote:




I just joined the other day, btw  So far I find it really helpful. I've been on break from work for the past week, and I've decided that I need to put a lot more time into sorting out my social anxiety. One thing I've been thinking about lately is what I keep reading on SA websites: social anxiety is very common.

Until recently I thought that maybe there were a lot of people in the world who's muscles froze up while walking by another person, or had only 1 friend, or a bunch of other things that apply to me. I'm now trying to accept that every human has some degree of social anxiety, and it can show in different ways or aspects of our lives and at different times. 

Are there any things you find you simply cannot do but feel you should be able to? Whats it like for you to make/answer phone calls or go for a walk or use the gym? What about talking in general? What's it like for you in the grocery store? What things do you avoid?

Also, is there anything that you feel having social anxiety has helped you with? 
(I ask that because I have come to accept that this probably isn't something that is ever going to go away completely and I would like to try and see some good in it.)

Was there ever a specific time when you did not feel anxious? If so, what was it like? Why weren't you anxious?


I know that's a lot of questions. I hope some of you like to type 









I feel crushed. It was really hard for me to write and post that, and it seems like other people got greetings and some kind of thoughtful insight from other members of the forum. is it because I didn't share anything about myself? Was I too forward? I feel really embarrassed and hurt. I wish I were dead, because then I wouldn't have to go on living a life in which I get hurt over stupid shit like this. No wonder I have spent my entire vacation sitting in my apartment  I didn't even go fishing like I was hoping to do. I sat here and drew pictures and waited for my vacation to be over.

People kill themselves all the time. They get fed up and they blow their brains out or they bleed out in the tub or they jump. Pills don't work-- unless it's sleeping pills and alcohol; that always seemed to me like it would work. What are those people like before they do it? Are they like me? Do they feel the way I do? I wonder how I will die all the time. What kind of cancer will I get? In what way will my heart stop working? Who is going to find me?

I hope the bus runs me over on the way to work. I hope I get shot in a drive-by. Maybe one of my students or co-workers will poison me.


Personal goal: Finish luncheon drawing and frame piano
Personal Challenge: re-post thread
Something positive about this post: I am really depressed tonight, and I went ahead and checked my thread even though I was worried it wouldn't be how I'd hoped. It wasn't, and then I felt even worse-- and I wrote down all my thoughts. I know that someone may read my blog, but I will still leave my post in-tact for myself.  
I do feel more motivated to add to this blog because there is a chance that people will read it. At the same time, the fact that no-one has probably ever read it besides me makes it easier to write how I really feel. It's only 10% possibly not a good idea.

Chatting again

I went in the chat room but I left right away because the guy I talked to yesterday was in there talking.


It is hours later now, and I have gone back in the chat room. That guy is STILL there, but he is talking with a couple other people right now. I am a little nervous to speak up, but I am going to do it anyway. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cold pool.

oh dear everyone's stopped talking

I'm bored with the conversation now.... its TV and Books

I want to look at everyone's profiles, but their profiles will show that I was looking.

I'm going to do it anyway.


That was alright. It was kind of hard to leave.

Personal Goal: Get up early tomorrow.Do the dishes (done)
Personal Challenge: Clean Rat Cage (done)
Positive note: I didn't drink tonight. I really wanted to, but I didn't.

Bum Friends

I Don't mind going to the store as much as I used to. I think its because I like to buy things. I used to never go because I felt like I was being watched. Now, I still feel like I am being watched, but I don't mind as much. What does bother me is when I have to walk past someone, either in an aisle or just on the sidewalk or anywhere, really. I don't want to look into their eyes, and I don't know if I should smile or nod or just do nothing. I do know that I can keep walking-- most of the time. Every once and a while, I become unsure and that  usually happens outside. The people who I feel unsure about are easy to spot; they are the ones who are standing around looking like they have nothing to do, because they probably don't. Often they seem to be waiting for something.

When another person walks by, suddenly he has an agenda. I am usually not around long enough to find out what it is. As soon as I hear "What's up, boss?" or "Hey, Bro", I simply stop breathing. My body turns to stone and I have to try extra hard to keep moving. After I get past him, he is often still talking at me, probably saying "Okay, Thank you!" in a tone of voice reserved for sarcasm. He feels I've been rude to him, that I should have stopped and listened to what he wanted and then given it to him. I wonder if this is how he meets new people? Maybe he just wants to know what time it is. Chances are, if I tell him, he wont stop there. He will have me at his mercy. He will start asking me for things, like money and cigarettes and a light. He will ask me if I know things-- like if there is a gas station nearby or if I know how to get to get to some road. He will tell me what his name is, expecting me to tell him my name. He will want to shake hands with me. He will want to know if I am a student and if I live around here. He will want to know if I am originally from this area or from somewhere else. He will want to know why I moved to California and if I like it. By now I'm sure he is going to remember me wherever he sees me. He is going to ask me if I am on Facebook. How do you think a friendship that started with begging and dumb questions is going to be? In my neighborhood, it's likely going to consist of invitations to drink and smoke pot and hang out in places where people spend money to do things that I don't enjoy doing. It's going to end with me changing my email address and "losing" my phone. Why? Because I didn't want to be friends with that butt wipe in the first place. It only happened because I buckled under the pressure.


I like it better when people get to the point. It probably means they are used to being turned down, and they will be able to handle the rejection I am about to give them. Saying no to someone used to mean breaking a person's heart, in my mind. Now it serves a more selfish purpose;  it means that I don't have to put up with people's bullshit if I don't want to. The problem is that sometimes people simply don't state a point, and I have a hard time with that. Sometimes a person just wants to be social with me, and that is his reason for talking to me. He uses questions and requests as icebreakers, but his underlying intention is socialization, and my intention is to get the hell out of there.

One night I was cleaning out my truck near a dumpster in the park. An old man came up to me and asked if I needed any help. I said I didn't really, but he could have whatever I was throwing out if he wanted it. He asked me if I had any food or water. All I had was a Snicker bar, but he scarfed it right down. I didn't have any water, and he said he was so thirsty. He said he hadn't slept in days because people always came to the park to get drunk and party. I gave him $20 and a ride to 7-Eleven. On the way, he told me that he was a Vietnam refugee and that he had just got out of jail. He used to have a restaurant  but he lost that when his wife left him. Now he was squatting in the park because he felt too ashamed to ask his family for help. He had two daughters in medical school, and he didn't want them to know that he had been to jail. I asked him if he ever tried to apply for jobs, he would have if he could get clean. I patted him on his moist shoulder and told him to hang in there. He thanked me and went in to the store. That night when I went home, I found myself wondering what would become of him, unlike usually when I would be feeling guilty that I didn't speak politely enough or that I came across judgmental or lofty. Not because his sob story was unique or that I felt particularly sorry for him, but because I was drunk for the whole thing and I didn't feel any anxiety. I wanted to hang out with someone. My truck smelled like homeless man for a week.

Personal goal: go to Goodwill today and be home before.... 2?
Personal challenge: Don't drink
Positive note: I reflected on an imagined (partially) scenario in which I felt very anxious. Then I outlined the expectations I had for that situation's outcome. Finally, I learned why my expectations were so negative. I also reflected on a real social experience in which I did not feel anxious. Anxiety may make me feel like a major asshole sometimes, but I really am a nice person. I would like to look at more ways in which I am nice in the future. Maybe asshole first, and then reverse nice person.

Bikes and posts

I just went for a bike ride to nowhere. I pointedly did not have any other goal other than to ride my bike around. It is cold today (by California standards) and cloudy, so not many people were out. It was fairly peaceful, which was nice-- but the city is so ugly. There were at least 7 bicycles piled full of garbage and chained to trees outside of the university library. I passed by an elementary school and it smelled like a toilet full of nachos.

 I road around a bit more, and then I sat on a bench at the university ate an orange. There were birds around, and some fat, tame squirrels. I wondered if the university is using the lush squirrels to their marketing advantage. There were a bunch of them poking around in the grass next to me. Then somebody walked by with a dog and they all ran up the trees and started chirping. Fortunately I finished my orange just then, so I could follow suit.

 I had been riding around pretty slow and leisurely before, but now that it was time to go home I felt the urge to rush. I had a harder time deciding where to turn on the way back.   I started to behave like a nervous squirrel. I think this may have been one of the most depressing bike rides of my life. I feel like I just woke up and now the sun is already going down. I hope it just stays down this time.

When I got home I made my first post on the forum. I suggested that this guy who is nervous about counting money try playing a money game where he has to buy/sell things. I know it is a good idea, but I am worried that I should have looked up a few specific games for him. Maybe he will think it was a half-assed suggestion, or maybe I missed the post in the thread where he had solved his problem. I can't remember if playing money games even helps me. I'm sure it helps somebody. I always enjoy the part of video games where you have to buy/sell. Hell, it was a good suggestion. And, whatever-- at least it was something.

Personal Goal: Finish Piano Drawing (go make some food and then get right back to it)
Personal Challenge: Clean out old paper in rat Cage
Something good about this post: I wrote down the observations that I made, and then I talked about                        
                                                      them-- even though I didn't feel like it.

I chatted for the first time

I got accepted to the forum today, and then I had a chat. These were my thoughts during the chat. (thoughts in bold.)

Chat 1 + thoughts

I want to say: i’m scared to write anything
I don’t want to sound whiny my first time

[pm 12:12] S_eicher	Hello did it-- I just said hello. Its really slow-- what if I don’t seem interesting and nobody is talking to me because they are waiting for someone more exciting to start talking?
[ pm 12:14] S_eicher	is anyone there? I don’t want to be funny right now.I don’t want people to think they can rely on me to always be entertaining.
[pm 12:15] S_eicher	I better type something But still... I thought of something funny. Do I say it? I am a funny person sometimes. I do have a good sense of humor. Even though people like to laugh with me, they should also understand that sometimes I should be taken seriously. I will say the funny thing.
[pm 12:19] S_eicher	Chat room for people who are socially anxious... what did I expect :P I said it.
[pm 12:20] S_eicher	Now I feel like the boss because I was funny just now.
[pm 12:21] S_eicher	I'm entertaining myself.
[pm 12:21] S_eicher	Yay
[pm 12:21] S_eicher	I'm better than Cleverbot Sometimes funny things help people feel more comfortable.
[pm 12:26] *******	Hello.
[pm 12:26] *******	It can move verrrry slowly even with people in here.Hey someone spoke to me and now I want to leave.
[pm 12:27] S_eicher	Hello *******
[pm 12:27] S_eicher	yes, it has a slow refresh rate I don’t know what to talk about, but I feel like I should stay because it is my first time.
[pm 12:28] S_eicher	This is my first time here
[pm 12:29] *******	Often, the chatters have a slow refresh rate.This person seems reasonable.
[pm 12:29] *******	I've been here a week or so.
[pm 12:30] *******	Mostly 20 year olds. I'm 46. Kinda sucks.He is bummed that he is so much older than everyone else.He is way older than me and I don’t know what to say.
[pm 12:32] S_eicher	Have you had memberships with other SA forums?
[pm 12:32] *******	Nope, didn't know there were any. Have you?
[pm 12:32] *******	I'm guessing they are all the same...dominated by kids whining about not getting laid.
[pm 12:33] S_eicher	hehe
[pm 12:33] S_eicher	I have seen a few online but I have never joined
[pm 12:34] S_eicher	I've noticed a lot of teenagers
[pm 12:35] *******	Yep...incredibly repetitive ones.
[pm 12:35] *******	Lots of artistic types so you might relate. WHOA he checked my profile because he said knows I am an artist now. I didn't tell him that so he must have checked.
[pm 12:35] *******	I'm not artistic, unfortunately. I have a bad taste in my mouth now. I want to leave. I have butterflies. I feel panicky and I don’t know what to say. I feel scared. He is saying that he isn’t artistic. I am thinking of something to say. Something about how artists never get bored.
[28-12, 12:39] S_eicher	It's alright I guess... but people like to take advantage I want to leave. I didn’t leave. I just said something
[28-12, 12:40] *******	How so?My hands are cold. I can’t breath Should I leave? I don’t know what to do I don’t have to talk to this person. I can go. I did a very good job so far.
[28-12, 12:41] S_eicher	I have to go it was nice talking with you I left. Whew. I deleted my job from my profile so now there is no information about me in there. Just a picture of a cockroach.

don't know if it was a good thing to do that. I think it will be fine. I can put more information in there sometime if I want to. It's not necessary to fill those things out anyway. Its not like people walk around in real life with information on themselves for everyone to read what their jobs and hobbies are. Shoot, in real life you have to ask.

I don't know if I did do a very good job. Should I have stayed and had more conversation with this person? I was scared that I would make an ass of myself. I had a million questions about him, but I didn't want him to ask questions about me-- so I feel like it wouldn't have been fair. I was nervous to chat with him at all when he said hello, but I did it. I felt a lot better after I did. I would have liked to get to know him better. I realized that, with regards to this forum and dealing with SA, I would rather not be talking to a bunch of kids either. I would rather be around people my own age or older. Kids mean I have to be in charge and give give give-- and never expect much if anything in return. My age or older means there can reasonably be some give and take, and maybe there will be less angst and pubescent confusion, which I feel warrants another blog all together. Maybe a new thread on the forum. My very first one.


Personal Goal: Keeping tidy: I really need to make sure I clean the rat cage today. I always feel better when I do, which should be a good motivator. Gotta do something about that freaky white cockroach in the sink. Nothing kills it. Try and finish the piano drawing tonight.

Personal Challenge: I should call that guy today, but thinking about it makes me feel sick. I will try using the worksheet to sort through my thoughts.

I will leave my apartment today. I don't need to have a plan or a destination-- I can just go out and ride my bike and relax.

Something good about this post: I was not too hard on myself. During the chat, I was able to recognize where my limit was. I gave myself permission to stop and walk away when I was becoming too distressed. Also, good record keeping. Way to go!

Start

It really helps me to write about my social anxiety. Today I decided to join this forum. I have not left my apartment in 3 days-- save this morning, when I reached my arm around the door to grab a flyer that was taped on yesterday (I heard the guy do it). Not really leaving, is it?

I have been thinking about joining this forum for several years now, but I have been too nervous. Today is the day. I have been afraid to post in a forum because I am worried that I will upset someone, or that someone will say things to upset me. I am worried that people will tell me advice that I disagree with or which I don’t want, and that I will lose control of myself and say something I regret. I am worried that people will say things to me because they think I am no good. I worry that people on the forum will think that I am arrogant or self-centered or a wimp. Worse, I am worried that everyone will know each other and no one will talk to me beyond a greeting. No pressure. I know this is a place for people who have trouble making friends. I don’t have any friends or family because I am too afraid to speak to anyone-- including my own parents.

I feel like I could throw up right now. It is sometimes very hard to write about the part where I have no personal contacts-- beyond the people I work with, that is, which is 3. I really want a drink to calm my nerves, but I already decided that I would not drink tonight. I didn’t drink yesterday, either. I feel like there are a million important things I should be doing-- the most important thing I should be doing right now is calling the guy that wants to buy my truck, but I am too afraid to call him. I don’t remember the last time I used my phone.

Which brings me to a point. I am worried that this forum will be hopelessly depressing. I would like to try and end every post with something positive about what I’ve said and whoever I am speaking about/to. I may be depressed, but I don’t enjoy complaining.

Also, how about always listing a personal goal and what I’ve done to achieve it? For example, during my time off from work It has been my goal to complete 1 drawing every day. So far, so good! I have another one: keep my apartment clean enough that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to have someone else see it. That is going pretty well-- kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, living area and creation station are all in good order. I do need to be better about cleaning out the rat cage. I’m sure my rats will appreciate that, too. So, do more drawing and keep tidy. Those are my personal goals, and they shouldn’t be so difficult.

I think it might be good to have some personal challenges, too. These are things that I will deal with one at a time so I don’t get too overwhelmed. I am hoping that by listing them in a public forum, I will feel embarrassed if I write about them here and then don’t “sign off” on them.

I can already feel myself setting something up here that I won’t adhere to in the future. It  sometimes seems like my entire life is made of great ideas that were never followed by action. I know there have been a few things I have thought of and then done, but often I feel like I have had to rely on someone else to do a lot of the heavy lifting. I know that participating in this forum will help me with many aspects of living with social anxiety; its something I really want to do. Can this be my personal challenge? Sure.. this can be one. The other one is to call the guy about the truck.

Ok:

Personal Goal: Draw, Keep tidy
Personal Challenge: Post on forum, Make phone call
Positive Note: I think I did a pretty good job getting to the point and not trailing off on an emotional   
                      rollercoaster. I have a feeling that was made possible by sobriety :) So, 2 good  
                      things: got to the point, stayed sober.